I get this question almost daily. Clients, friends, family members, even strangers who find out I am a therapist that works with children and teenagers ask if the undesirable thing their child is doing is “normal”. I assume that most of the time they mean typical- as in, part of the generally accepted process of child development and a thing most kids do and go through. Whether or not something is typical is a usually straight forward question, and when the answer is yes, most people are at ease. But what if the behavior isn’t typical.Can it still be normal? What does normal even mean? And what if its normal but still undesirable? How do you know something is truly a problem?
I try to encourage everyone to think of the word normal as a relative word. What is normal for each child may be different based on their individual personalities, development, medical/psychological diagnoses, and the specific situations the behaviors appear in. For example, if your child has always been an engaging and social person and suddenly becomes socially withdrawn and quiet- that is likely not normal. But if your child has always been quiet and shy, these behaviors are not as concerning. If your child has always been well behaved and emotionally under control and begins breaking rules and showing rageful behaviors, that is likely not “normal”. But if they had behavioral issues and threw intense temper tantrums when they were young, then these behaviors are more understandable (though obviously not desirable).
When you are asking if your child’s behavior is problematic, it’s important to look at them as a whole, including their previous behavior. Its best to ask yourself these three questions:
(1) Is this behavior undesirable in such a way that it is hurting my child, their future, or our family?
(2) Is this behavior outside of what is typical and the generally expected steps of development?
(3) Is this behavior abnormal for my child?
If you find yourself answering yes to anyof those questions, don’t panic. Your counselor or doctor can help you figure out what needs to be done to best help your child so that your family can find its own normal.
By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC