I often get asked about what parent can do to help their children become successfully functioning good people. Children are always learning and watching others to learn appropriate ways of behaving and interacting. If you want to set your children up for success, you can provide learning opportunities that teach important adult information in a way that makes sense to their developmental level. Here are some of the most common things parents tell me that they want their kids to learn along with some ideas and examples for how to make it happen:
Teaching natural consequences and how to take responsibility
Sometimes kids don’t make the best choices and/or do things without thought. That’s a normal part of growing up, and is how we learn self-control and regulation. Let your child experience these natural consequences and teach them to take responsibility for their actions. For example, if your child forgets their homework, you could let them take responsibility for that with their teacher instead of running it to the school. If they break something with careless behavior, you could let them learn to be more careful with their belongings rather than replacing it.
Teaching about empathy
Children are, by nature, egocentric. It is up to the adults in their lives to show them that it is good to care for others and how to understand feelings. Discuss (out loud) your feelings for people. Statements like “She must be sad. I would be sad if that happened to me” and “I know he is upset because he is crying.” Give kids the chance to see how empathetic thinking works.
Teaching kids about making mistakes and apologizing:
Teach kids that it is OK to make mistakes, be wrong, and apologize. When you make a mistake you can point it out, along with the steps you are taking to correct it, or a statement like “everything cant be perfect all the time” when its not something that needs correcting (or if it cant be corrected). When you are wrong, even with your kids, admit that you were wrong (and apologize when needed). Talk about what it feels like to be wrong, and how admitting that you were wrong and apologizing feels better.
Teaching kids to be independent.
Provide opportunities for independence by giving your kids age appropriate responsibilities. Let them explore and make choices, even if they would not be yours. You can let young children choose their outfits from a weather appropriate selection. You can leave out supplies for crafting and allow them to make art without direction. Little opportunities for independence give kids a chance to learn and grow.
Teaching kids about rewards and consequences.
Teach kids about rewards and consequences with a clearly laid out, simple behavioral plan. Start with 2-3 behaviors you want to see and their counterparts (what you don’t want to see). Clearly explain this plan to your kids and then be consistent. This teaches kids about following rules, and why its important. Providing rewards without your child earning them can create a sense of entitlement, and this will help them learn that rewards are earned, and thus are meaningful.
Teaching kids about working hard and responsibility
Provide opportunities for work, with and without reward. Find age appropriate chores for your child. Some of these chores can come with rewards and some should be without rewards (other than praise). This gives kids a chance to learn about earning the things they want, how to be part of a community, and helps fight against entitlement.
Teaching kids about values
This one requires a little work on your part but reaps the most benefits. First, you will need to explore your own values. Then you will need to find a way to express that value regularly, with and without your kids. If service is something you value, then you can express that by volunteering. When appropriate, you can bring your children. When its not appropriate to bring them, be sure to talk about your volunteer work, how it benefits others, and how it makes you feel. This helps your kids understand what you value and why and reinforces it for them.
Providing these types of learning opportunities for your kids will help them learn important life lessons that will help them be the best people they can be.
By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC